The Sens are in deep shit. The team likely won't make the playoffs this year and some poor decisions off the ice have turned off many fans. As we all know, desperate times call for desperate measures. After a slump in the music industry, selling music has taken a strange left-turn. Yes, it's a phrase I never thought I would utter, but the Ottawa Senators should take a lesson from Nine Inch Nails and get creative--selling not only tickets, but the services of players.
I now present the Senators new pricing scheme. It's not cheap, but I would pay a lot of money to punch Martin Gerber in the stomach.
$100
Tickets to Sens game and autographed jersey.
$400
Tickets to Sens game, play on a line with Spezza and Heatley until you collect an assist, or a 5-game road trip--which ever's first.
$500
Chicken wing eating contest with Chris Kelly at the location of your choice.
$700
Brian Elliot will shovel your driveway.
$800
Tickets to Sens game, one period as Senators goalie. Win, and you're in for the next game--Paddock-style.
$2000
Senators recall Martin Gerber from Binghamton, and you can punch him in the stomach
$3000
Jason Spezza will prank phone call anyone you like, get three words into the joke then hang up and laugh at his own wit for 20 minutes.
$3500
Crazy carpet rides at Mont Tremblant with Christoph Schubert.
$4000
Chris Phillips will come to your work or home and intimidate a co-worker or disobedient child.
$5500
Two hours of marriage councilling with Cory Clouston. Results guaranteed or you can fire him half-way through.
$7000
Bryan Murray will trade the player of your choice to Tampa Bay for Gary Roberts and three other players on their career death bed.
$8500
Tour of Ottawa in mangled English with Anton Volchenkov. He will tell you his favourite place to 'glanrd' and where to find the best 'prfogh' in town.
$10,000
Daniel Alfredsson will reveal the secret to recovering from any injury using the power of Swedishness.
$15,000
Dany Heatley will loan you his robotic eye for one week. Use it only for good or it will explode.
$25,000
15-hour training session entitled "Picking up pop stars" with Mikes Fisher and Comrie.
$30,000
Chris Neil will punch any person in Ottawa, up-to and including the Prime Minister. If he's gotta serve time, that's $300 extra.
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