Mats Sundin updates

Part two of an ongoing series:

Stuff sports writers like

It must be tough being a sports writer, begging at the feet of the former Leafs captain for any sort of indication about when, where, or why he will make any sort of decision regarding his hockey future.

Like being high priest in the temple of volcano God Hephaestus, every plume of smoke must be interpreted for the benefit for the masses. Could the volcano explode today? It hasn't in the past 1000 years... so it could be any minute now.

As the graphic on the right illustrates, sports writers are hungry to update sports fans, even when there is no update to report.

"Still thinking it over"

"Sundin to make decision soon"

"Sundin decision two week away"

"Sundin nearing decision"

"News is no news on signing of Sundin"

Sports writers, known normally for such hard-hitting questions as "Your thoughts on tonight's game...", have been reduced to one- or two-word questions. "Anything?", they ask Sundin's agent. "No," replies the agent. The sports writers then dutifully transfer this information into a succinct 150-word update on Sundin's condition.

Modern sporting websites are built on this sort of valuable information, as public servants wind down the hours until their death day ends, surfing the internet while scanning the screen for two phrases to alert then of interesting content: "NSFW" or "Sundin update".

The Sundin saga has now been extended into mid-August, according to the latest smoke signal. This can only mean one thing: We are mere moments from an eruption of catastrophic proportion.

God bless the sports writer, nobly waiting at the foot of the volcano, blackberry in hand. Only through his diligence can we possibly escape the fallout.

Headlines with question marks

Part one in an ongoing series:

Stuff sports writers like


When approaching any story, always begin with the most speculative statement of the article and make it your headline. Keeping in mind this statement is pure speculation, and does not have a source or basis in reality, you can absolve yourself of any legal liability by adding a question mark.

"Sudin to become free agent" (too direct, implies you know a fact)

"Sundin to become free agent?" (perfect! With a question mark, this statement is pitch-perfect and reflects your level of speculation).

Let's try again:

"Spezza on the market" (Awful. Can you back this up?)

"Spezza on the market?" (Nice! No need to speak to anyone now. You've done your research by adding a question mark.)

Or, try using this tip in real life in the subject lines of emails dealing with sensitive topics.

"I'm the father of your child" (No! Your best friend might go into shock and not read the rest of the email)

"I'm the father of your child?" (Great! Now you can be sure he'll read the rest of the email: "But seriously, I'm not. I'll see you at the bar at 8.")

Using this simple tip, you too can become a writer for TSN.ca, sportsnet.ca, or the Ottawa Sun. Remember, when you've got absolutely nothing to say, just make some shit up and add a question mark.