Welcome to Bizarro World

...where Martin Gerber is the #1 goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

...where the Calgary Flames have finally acquired Olli Jokinen from whatever cash-strapped team he's on these days (it's like stealing candy from a baby, or punching a hobo in the face).

...where Filip Kuba somehow managed to remain a Senator (still holding out hope for a trade there).

We can only presume that fish will begin to walk and hamburgers will start eating people. Keep an eye out for black Jerry Seinfeld too.

Puck + net = happy fans: Thrashers 4, Sens 1

What... is... going... on? How can this team be so different from night to night? I've almost come to accept that the Senators aren't as good as I hoped they would be. But how can they beat the Atlanta Thrashers 5-1 one week, and then lose to them 4-1 the next week? It doesn't make any sense to me.

I guess 4-1 score aside, though, the game was actually pretty close. A powerplay goal by Vyacheslav Kozlov on an iffy delay-of-game penalty (the play-by-play folks though it hit the glass and then went out) was all that separated the Sens from the Thrashers until the start of the third period. Then all hell broke lose, as Dany Heatley took a lazy hooking and Colby Armstrong scored on the powerplay, and then Armstrong scored again 31 seconds later. Chris Kelly--after hitting the cross bar earlier in the third--scored off a sweet pass from Chris Phillips with Nick Foligno screening Atlanta goaltender Ondrej Pavelec. But then Todd White scored an empty-netter one the powerplay and the game was over for realsies.

Special teams was the difference. Atlanta went 3-for-6 on the powerplay, and Ottawa was 0-for-4. Same old story for Ottawa: Their only goals at the start of the year came on the powerplay, but it's cooled off to absolute zero and the team is now 19th in the league with a 16.7 per cent efficiency rating.

The onus lies on the CASH Line to get their play going for the team's powerplay--and overall success--to improve. Daniel Alfredsson needs to realize that, as valuable as he is in the defensive zone, he's more valuable in the offensive zone; I love to see a player backcheck, but it's not unusual to see Alfie behind the defensive goal line--causing turnovers and taking control of the puck, granted, but his true value lies in creating turnovers in the offensive zone. Heatley is obviously showing his frustration, but he needs to channel it into positively creating chances and maybe skating a bit more quickly into the offensive zone. And Jason Spezza needs to keep playing with the hustle he is playing with, but start taking his own shots on net and stop cutting back to look out for the Heatley pass. Score a goal, no matter how it happens or who gets credit.

On defence, I've got to give loads of credit to Alex Picard. He played over 20 minutes, and he looked to have the poise combined with physicality that Bryan Murray expected when the deal was made. If his play continues this way, the deal could be a steal for Ottawa, because on this night Picard looked better than Andrej Meszaros did on many nights last season. And Brian Lee, who scored an assist, played with the confidence he was lacking earlier in the season.

Kudos also goes to Ottawa's pests, Chris Neil and Jarkko Ruutu. Although I still believe that Neil has been improperly slotted into a third-line role, he did a number on Atlanta's Bryan Little in--make no mistake--a completely clean open-ice hit, and Little (after being shaken up) appeared to get out of it without an injury. His hit did what Neil has to do: Use his physicality to turn the tide, and get the Sens going. And Ruutu, the shift after Neil's hit, stood up to the Thrashers' Jim Slater and really took it to him. It looked their actions had changed the momentum, but the Sens couldn't cash in on it in time.

I hate to say it, but Shean Donovan is going to take the fall for the Thrashers' first goal. It was his first--and may be his last--penalty killing shift in quite a while, and he was over-committal and too aggressive. In the end, when Ron Hainsey had the puck at the point on Donovan's side, Shean Don was in front of the net, checking no one, screening Martin Gerber. Donovan was great with Foligno and Ruutu on the fourth line, but he needs to settle down on the PK.

And that brings me to Gerber. He was screened on the first goal, the second was a wrap-around that squeaked in, and the third was after Heatley lost his check and then the puck hit Armstrong, dropped right down and towards the open net. Darth Gerber only stopped 21 of 24, but the fault on the goals shouldn't lie on his shoulders. Still, go back to Alex Auld next game, because he's earned the start.

Sigh... callers on the Senators' post game show are proposing the Sens acquire players like Sean Avery and Alexei Yashin in order to help add some scoring depth. The only thing more disturbing than that fact is that--because they won't likely cost much in a trade or signing--I almost think there's some merit to the ideas.

Gerber to start against Florida

According to TSN, coach Craig Hartsburg decided to start Martin Gerber on Wednesday against Florida. I can't really say that it's a bad decision. Although Darth didn't steal any of the games this year, he can't be blamed for his most recent two losses in my opinion. We'll see how he responds, but, more importantly, how the rest of the team responds to the strong message that Hartsburg has sent their way.

Alex Auld is going to make his second start of the season against Anaheim on Friday, and then Gerber will be back in nets Saturday against Toronto.

Stop stealing my headlines!

"Sens light up Dubie"

...are you kidding me?! Only a master headline-writer such as myself could have come up with that awesome headline... which I did, last night on facebook. But a little childish for an actual newspaper maybe?

In any case, Bruce Garrioch did a good job of explaining the whole "Ray Emery knocks over water bottle, therefore he wants to be traded" episode, without the idiotic implication that he did this because he was angry about his playing time. The TSN writer is a moron.

Emery, who has started just two games in the last eight, vented some frustration with his lack of playing time Thursday, slamming his stick on the boards before hurling it into the stands.
--TSN

Sportsnet has an even more blatant and sensationalist interpretation.

Garrioch explained the situation without implying his own cause and effect... what real journalists are meant to do.

Even though the Sens soundly defeated the Islanders 5-2 last night (and not like the close 5-3-that-was-almost-4-4 from the Buffalo game on Boxing Day), the happiest moment of the night came in the first period.

After goalie-on-fire Martin Gerber made a diving save, the crowd began to chant his name. Very Alfie-ish. And then... just when you thought the best was over, the game went to a commercial break. During the break, just at the end of the chanting, the Imperial March was played... Darth Gerber's official theme song!!

It was magical. The power of Darth Gerber is growing... he's making a believer out of me.

Still, I refuse to comment on the supposed Emery tantrum saga other than call the media on their shit.

Jason Spezza had another remarkable game and his insane point streak is now at 19 points in 9 games. Man, I am so glad we've got that guy tied into a 7-year contract.

Darth Gerber now a brand

A nickname that rose from the blogosphere and then infiltrated CBC has now become a T-shirt. It was only a matter of time, and now Darth Gerber can be immortalized on your chest in logo form (I suppose a tattoo would also do it).

You can get yours at this website*.

In other news...

It should be a very good game tonight when the Sens take on Martin "always injured" Havlat, and a team of the very brightest high-school aged hockey players the NHL could find.

Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews, and Cam Barker will all do their best to defeat the much manlier Senators while waiting for their moms to drop off their lunches. I guess the Blackhawks are finally seeing the dividends of their "let's have a shitty team for 20 years" strategic franchise plan. It only took the Sens 5 years of absolutely horrendous hockey to get our draft picks.

What do you mean 'always injured'? Well, Havlat has played a total of 85 NHL hockey games since 2005-06. For comparison's sake, Dany Heatley has played 197 games in that same span.

Around the Bank...

Did anyone else catch Senators' rookie centre Cody Bass calling John Paddock "Mr. Paddock" in the Ottawa Sun yesterday? He is now one of my favourite rookies on the team. It seems he certainly appreciates the time he's spending with the big team. I wonder if Mr. Spezza has given the Bassmaster any pointers yet?

Patrick Lalime will make his glorious return to Scotiabank Place tonight, starting in net for the Hawks. I love Patrick Lalime. He was the first not-terrible to play for the Sens and still holds the team's record for most regular-season wins.

Mike Fisher will be back in the Sens lineup according to sportsnet.ca. Hopefully this will shake up the second line and give the team a boost after a limp game against the Thrashers on Thursday.

*Sens Army Blog Inc. (a subsidiary of the Carlyle Group) does not endorse the quality, fashionability, or possible long-term mockability of these T-shirts.