Friday, August 1, 2008

Mats Sundin updates

Part two of an ongoing series:

Stuff sports writers like

It must be tough being a sports writer, begging at the feet of the former Leafs captain for any sort of indication about when, where, or why he will make any sort of decision regarding his hockey future.

Like being high priest in the temple of volcano God Hephaestus, every plume of smoke must be interpreted for the benefit for the masses. Could the volcano explode today? It hasn't in the past 1000 years... so it could be any minute now.

As the graphic on the right illustrates, sports writers are hungry to update sports fans, even when there is no update to report.

"Still thinking it over"

"Sundin to make decision soon"

"Sundin decision two week away"

"Sundin nearing decision"

"News is no news on signing of Sundin"

Sports writers, known normally for such hard-hitting questions as "Your thoughts on tonight's game...", have been reduced to one- or two-word questions. "Anything?", they ask Sundin's agent. "No," replies the agent. The sports writers then dutifully transfer this information into a succinct 150-word update on Sundin's condition.

Modern sporting websites are built on this sort of valuable information, as public servants wind down the hours until their death day ends, surfing the internet while scanning the screen for two phrases to alert then of interesting content: "NSFW" or "Sundin update".

The Sundin saga has now been extended into mid-August, according to the latest smoke signal. This can only mean one thing: We are mere moments from an eruption of catastrophic proportion.

God bless the sports writer, nobly waiting at the foot of the volcano, blackberry in hand. Only through his diligence can we possibly escape the fallout.
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