Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Zdeno Chara - Human Cyborg (Sens Origins pt 1)

I wrote this article for the University of Ottawa's student newspaper the Fulcrum last year before the playoffs. They deemed it "too insane" to publish... I now present it to you as part of a 2-part series regarding the mysterious origins of the 2005-06 Ottawa Senators.

The Ottawa Senators have come a long way. Ever since their conception in the 92-93 season, the senators have had to deal with outside distractions such as building a new arena, changing ownership and a hockey-mad city. All teams have unique circumstances, but as the Senators look forward to the undoubted glory of their coming playoff run we should recall that many of the Senators got to this point through extraordinary circumstances.

Starting on defense, Zdeno Chara was built in 1998 – a human cyborg literally designed to protect the net from opposing players. Originally though, the ‘net’ in question was filled with fish, and the ‘opposing players’ were grizzly bears. Chara was programmed to protect the catch while the other ice-fishermen slept. One night, he defended the fishermen and their fish from a mother bear and her 3 cubs. When one of the cubs escaped before Chara could eat its heart, he chased it from the Czech Republic across the Atlantic Ocean to New York, where he was discovered by Islanders GM Mike Milbury. Chara was later traded to the Senators in exchange for the spawn of Satan known to this reality as Alexi Yashin.
If the readers of this blog also deem this article "too insane", then I refrain from posting the rest... I just thought it was funny.
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